July 24th 2025
My last entry was not it but I'm keeping it up because I think it's a pretty realistic (if not kinda gweh) take on what it's like to experience hormonal imbalances while juggling the fact it's only getting harder to pass as a woman when I'm faced with an uncomfortable gathering. It all comes with tons of grossness that I just haven't ever had to deal with before, too. I don't really want to pretend to be above it and unaffected because that mentality is what lead me to underestimate the warnings I'd been given. I am calmer after lifting and I wrote that entry after not lifting for a couple of days, making me a cocktail of stressful emotions and I guess I needed a place to vent without it being misread as anything more significant.
On a cooler note, I made a new clique because there is never enough of those, right? My cliques are literally just free pixel art bases I make from time to time, though. I want to encourage people to get into pixel art because it's fun. The fullsize illustrations I used to do started shifting towards pixel art because of Cinni Net and her delicate pixel-thin linework. The way her whole site is set up with pixel art inspired the everloving hell out of me and I still want to do something somewhat similar at some point with creating a full and decorated pixel frame. Not now, though. I'm too busy for that these days and I just did an overhaul hahaha. One day when I'm tired of this layout.
Also I guess I'm looking into getting a Tama Uni. I say guess because wow those are expensive but I really have wanted one for a while. Money is about to be less tight and I guess I did something worth being treated for idk. All I know is I'm getting a Tama Uni AND my complete in box copy of The Crystal Bearers which is hella rad. So stoked. I want to scan the manual and upload it if it's not already just floating around out there. Hell, even if it is, two cakes, right?
July 22nd 2025
This Entry Contains Sexual Thought Content And Musings
It's difficult to put into an entry what I'm thinking or feeling. It feels incriminating, as if I have done something terribly wrong, and am confessing my transgressions to the world. My charges this time are being a bit of a coward, losing my head, and cross-dressing. I've stated it many times that I just don't feel safe to talk about being a trans man and it's difficult to explain without both admitting my concerns are overblown by being terrorized and that they're valid because humans are awful, terrible creatures. The people in charge of raising me threatened to kill me quite often for any kind of deviation, I got my ass beat when people found out some of my stranger questions about what makes a man a man, and I've been tied to this framework with absolute fear. All that to say I've been a coward and quick to play the part of the chameleon. People scare me when they all gather with the same assumptions and ideas because it'd be too easy for just one person to escalate and incite the group. It had been easier to just shave my face and put on the damn dress.
That should have been nothing new, but things have been nothing but new now that things have kicked up. "Love, war, and calories" has become my new mantra because that is all I think about to an awful, annoying degree. I flailed, wondering why no one told me about any of this, but people did and I just elected not to take them seriously. The most obvious and embarrassing part had been how horrendously downbad I've been, but eventually it cools off and working out really does help. It's just so distressing because I went from 'maybe I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum' to 'no I fucking do not'. It's awful coming to terms that I'm going to have to figure this shit out at twenty six because it's such an odd age to go through something so awkawrd and difficult to talk about. I don't exactly have dozens of peers to talk to about it and it just drives me crazy trying to focus on something while my body conspires against me. I am an adult and I am too busy for this.
The flipside of love is war. I wouldn't say it's a violent feeling, but it hurts not to swing sometimes. I end up primed for conflict that never happens because, again, we are adults damn it. Yelling does happen and there has been a shift in how people react to it now that my falsetto is starting to fail me. I used the Big Awful Voice once on accident and scared someone into backing off and resorting to shaming me through others. That was as funny as it was infuriating. There's a lot of intrusive thoughts, too, which bother me so much. They used to be an issue growing up, but for different reasons, and so I'm wondering if it's just a stress response being thrown out of control because I'm off balance. The slightest annoyance sends me into a spiral where I'm struggling to approach things rationally and empathetically while also fighting to urge to pick a fight of any kind. It's just an intense and loud feeling that has me spending chunks of time sitting off in some corner by myself until it can pass. Again, too old for this shit because everyone thinks I'm pouting when I'm just trying to be civil.
Finally, calories. The end-all-be-all of the triad of primary feelings I have lately is hunger. Literal hunger. The demand for calories is absurd and my body can't handle it. I used to eat less than one thousand calories a day, but it's snowballed. Working out, for once, is not helping me here. Hunger used to be a suggestion. I could go all day without eating anything and just drink water, no problem, but now it is something I have to heed if I don't want to slide back into angry uncalled for conflict seeking behavior. I get so sick because the limits of my stomach aren't matching up with my body's demand for more. Eating so little so often has made it hard to even touch two thousand calories a day without making myself violently ill or leaning into junk food that I honestly don't want to eat at all (excess sugar and salt make me sick in their own way). I'm hoping that either my appetite comes back down or I find a way to balance it with properly portioned and measured meals and exercise. My weight doesn't bother me so I'm fine with not being cut or whatever, but I don't want too much fat getting in my way and slowing me down, either.
To conclude this in high school IPNC(?) format: I am a coward who has grown something of a spine and distaste for my own safety > satisfaction mentality and wants to change, but I'm also really fucked three ways to Sunday because I am dealing with everything I'd been told would be an issue. All attempts to embrace sexuality as a totally normal thing that shouldn't be embarrassing stopped at me finding out just how embarrassing it is to actually have a functional sex drive, so now I have to figure out how to be an adult about it again while fumbling with the whole issue. While it's terf rhetoric that testosterone makes people violent and aggressive, it can make you angry and some people are violent and aggressive when angry, meaning there needs to be personally accountability even if intimidating someone into submission is satisfying. Building muscle requires calories, maintaining them also requires calories, burning fat requires calories, and the whole world revolves around these invisible and abstract fuckers we use to measure energy through heat produced.
I really don't want to post this, but at the same time I'm trying to work my way up into a more honest way of living. My goal is to one day attending someone's wedding in a suit, yeah? That'd be the dream. To do that, I have to be out and somewhat confident, though. For now, I'll work on myself until there is no doubt in my mind that I am manly. Even if it's terrible and overgendered nonsense, there is satisfaction to be found in some the toxic masculinity I willingly take in like alcohol. A gentle poisoning to soothe the soul. I've been on and off about this for a while, but never have I been so open about it. I might destroy the eight years of adult life I've built in the process, but the alternative is the slow sinking into depression so deep I forget to be even human.
July 11th 2025
The Complete Guide arrived yesterday and it is much smaller than I thought it'd be. Despite that, it's as every bit fulfilling as I thought it'd be, too. I'm really happy with the lack of damage and that most of the damage that is present looks like light edge impact. Whoever owned this previously did not use it much because the spine is still very stiff. They also sent a cute drawing from their eight year old with a bunch of coupons. It's pretty neat. I'll definitely look through their listings first for the Gravity Guide when I get around to that. My next target is a complete in box set for FFCCCB so I can scan the manual. I already own a copy of the game I bought for like 5 bucks along with FFCC for the Gamecube for like 15 bucks (scalpers don't want caseless, incomplete games thankfully), but now I want THE box and manual. The phone strap is a distant dream and I have no doubt the shirt has been damaged to the point to illegibility, so I'm not worried about those. That script book also looked super cool, but I'd have better luck winning the lottery. There is something I've been eyeing, though, that I haven't seen anywhere else and I'm not talking about it in depth until it's in my hands. I'm really nervous about scalpers and bad-faith individuals who might try to buy it and turn it around for a higher price if they knew how much digging I had to do just to find this damn thing.
I also made a funny little picture as a joke. Cool Beans.
July 7th 2025
Working on archiving everything I can get my hands on for FFCCCB is tedious and not so fun. I'm rewarded for my efforts in the end, but right now I'm staring down this absolute behemoth of a task and wondering what on earth I'm going to actually do about it. Reverse engineering a Wii game sounds super cool until you sit down and look at what's in front of you with the lense of someone who have never reverse engineered fucking anything ever. The absolute audacity and drive to learn, just so I can do it, goes crazy, though. I'm going to have to reinstall Linux, which is its own mess of issues. My drawing tablet hates Linux, several of my favorite games hate Linux, and the cosmos love to watch me fight to make them work regardless. But it would be easier. Life would be so much easier if I could ax Windows and jump to a operating system with whimsy in my heart and joy in my soul. As I'm looking into reverse engineering this nightmare, I've picked up on small stuff that sorta hit me like a somewhat fantastic idea. Like how, if I really wanted to, I could make these things work with my growing knowledge of programming and fucking with computers. Even if I brute force it, working is working. Duct tape for the soul.
Then there is the Complete Guide which should be here when the processing centers nearby have all had their turns holding it for like a day or two. I plan to debind it once I get appropriately sized page protectors, a binder big enough to handle it, and enough sticky notes to make my head spin. I want to translate it and even have a small pocket dictionary for common Japanese phrases and words. The sticky notes will be easy to place on the page protectors and replace as needed. I want to release the information in sections so that no one is waiting forever for me to get the entire book translated before they can get that one little piece of information they might be curious about. On top of that I have to go through the FFCCN website and translate articles, but that's so boring. It's not really as fun once I get the information I want. Sharing is caring but it's also really tedious in this case.
Then there is this website which I rebranded. This thing I had to redo from scratch because I think I got too comfortable with my old layout. I'd been so unwilling to mix up the formula because eEeEeEEuUuUuUgH hard work. I used a lot more JavaScript this time around, forcing myself to rely on it more, even if I could have gotten away with my usual CSS tricks. I want to expand out further into JavaScript without relying on too many premade chunks of code floating out in the wild. I spent thirty minutes fighting a line of code, wondering why it worked for someone else and not for me, when I realized fucking AI wrote it. The AI answer was confidently correct and pissed me off so bad I wrote most of my clock's script on my own by slapping together individual functions until something worked the way I wanted it to. Mindex, the script I made for this entire site to function with the phone on the left, is built off of the clock script. With nothing but pure hate and spitefulness against AI, I think I made something pretty cool for someone who's just winging it.
July 5th 2025
The rebranding is complete-ish. There are some loose ends to tie up, issues to iron out, and whatever else, but it is mostly done. I'm not worried about people tying this account to my old name, but I did have concerns about being Googled. Believe it or not, this is enough to distance myself from Asp.
With that being said, some things are off the table. I'm forgiving but I am no saint. Misgender me once, whatever. Misgender me twice, shame on you. Misgender me thrice, get blocked. I am a guy who likes cuter, softer themes. My favorite typing in Pokemon is fairy. I am gay. The jokes all write themselves and while I can take a good ribbing, I can dish them out, too. If you come at me with an insensitive joke, don't cry when I swing back with the same energy.
I'm also going to be a lot more open about a lot of things. Being 26 means some of these thoughts might be wildly inappropriate, but I'll bury them behind warnings that you should absolutely heed. I'll do my bit to help you curate your internet experience, but I won't baby you. I don't have the energy to run a pure SFW version of this site and even if I did I don't owe anyone that much effort.
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Coming back hours later to say I posted this update at midnight with a headache and exhaustion in my soul hahaha. Terrible idea. The entire entry is just me having little dog syndrome and snapping first because I'm nervous. Even if I know no one is going to give me shit for being trans and/or gay, I grew up when people would constantly throw shade my way by implying all sorts of wild things. I also grew up with the very real threat of something terrible happening if I did not toe the line. So it makes me angry and afraid on reflex, all too willing to bite, and very human. This humanity is pretty ugly when you strip away the glamour media paints all over it, yeah?
