Aug 23rd 2025
I spent five hours last night messing with GitHub's CLI. It is convenient, I will absolutely admit that, but it's also still confusing. Sure, the documentation is there, but you can't hand someone a medical book and expect them to start doing surgery. It will take a lot of time to get used to it and figure out how to apply the knowledge. For the time being, I'm making RSS feeds and putting them in a repo there. If this works out, it could be where I push out everything. Imagine not having to manually struggle to upload and reassure myself ALL the files made it on to Neocities or Nekoweb. Wouldn't that be awesome?
The answer to that was yes because I'm pretty stoked about the whole concept.
It's a really freaking cool idea in theory but in practice it leaves something to be desired on my end. I'll figure it out. When I do, it'll be glorious for a couple of days. Then I'll need to find something more difficult to continue to be satisfied with my own progress. I used to be able to coast on my achievements for a couple days at a time, but not lately. I haven't been able to lift and it has tanked my mood. To think I made it to a total of 500 lbs only to jack myself up because the manic high I'd been riding decided I don't need to feel pain. Pain is good, you see, when you're pushing your body's limits. It's nothing serious, but I have to be extra careful. I talk a lot about my messed up arm, but my legs are worse off. If I so much as step wrong, I'll be in pain for the entire day. It's the joints, so strengthening my legs is important, but I pushed too hard. Ow, hahahaha. It's all good, though, I'm pretty used to it and just don't want to risk it getting worse is all. Better safe than sorry even if it costs me a little progress.
Aug 18th 2025
Coming down from the subsequent manic high is something else. I feel like a squeezed tube of toothpaste. Tired. So tired. I ate until I almost threw up, drank more than I ever would, spent probably too much money, tried to install Linux Arch with the audacity of someone who should have honestly known better, and took one so many tasks. Now it all makes my head spin and my eyelids heavy. I just want to sleep all day and I'm so annoyed. Yeah, I guess I'm more fun when I'm like this, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm also just shaving away years of my life with the kind of stuff I get up to.
Being aware doesn't do a whole lot for me because I'm always made aware after I've crossed a line. Drinking seemed like good fun until the hangover, you know? Even if I can see it coming, I am pretty helplessly driven to seek more of whatever makes me feel good right then and there. Drunkenly installing Linux Mint on a whim felt good so I thought why not give Arch a shot to get a similar high in achievement. My anger is amped up, too, which can make me unreasonably passionate about stupid things which don't really matter. All of it is annoying to deal with in the aftermath when the only option I have is to come down. In the face of overwhelming euphoria, neutrality can be depressing.
This is why I go to therapy, though. As bad as things seem, they were worse, and I can appreciate the progress I've made. It's going to be rough coming down, though, because I've barely started to lose the overabounding excitement that has haunted me for days and I already feel so eugh. So sleepy. Terminally tired in the middle of the day. I'll be paying for my insomniac streak with interest.
Aug 13th 2025
VERY HEAVY ENTRY
DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL IDEATION
I don't like leaving things unexplained so here is my entirely unowed but freely given explanation on the all-consuming depression and suicidal ideation I've been grappling with. All the entries past this point touch on it and I think I'll leave them up because it just feels right to. Pretending this wasn't a thing feels wrong somehow. Maybe it's entirely emotional, but I think I just need the catharsis.
It went on longer than I had let on because I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I've struggled with suicidal ideation since I'd been seven and have a history of even finding new ways to hurt myself over it. It's ugly and I've got a pretty nasty scar that will never fade right where I can see it at all times no matter if I wear long sleeves or short sleeves. I've always been like this and it makes me feel disgusting and ruined so I try so hard to hide it. I'm so afraid of anyone else being disappointed or disgusted by me, too.
It felt like I'd become something completely repulsive. I felt like all I could do is annoy, disgust, burden, disappoint, and drag down everyone around me. For two days, I had started planning things without even realizing it. I cleaned the house better than ever, started to put my personal Crystal Bearers archive into more organized folders to hand off to someone, started trying to figure out the best time to go about it for my husband's sake, and just gave up entirely.
I wish I could say this is some awe inspiring story of strength and resolve, but I honestly did just decide I didn't want to die. I want to live even if it's terrible because I am such a selfish person. Even if I annoy people, even if I'm awful and disgusting. I want to live even if I don't deserve to. That's why I sought out the phrase memento vivere. I know one day, no matter what I decide to do, I will die, but I also want to live.
Aug 12th 2025
There are few phrases I love more than memento vivere. Remember to live. It's gorgeous and reminds me of flowers sprouting from the cracks in the road. A breath of fresh air these days, too.
Aug 12th 2025
VERY HEAVY ENTRY
I cried pretty much all night and all day. I'm not even sure why, but I just keep crying. It is exhausting. Everyone seemed really happy and excited today but I can't keep up. I think I'm just going to give up and go to bed for the day. I don't want to talk to anyone even though they keep trying to include me in their fun because all I'll do is suck the joy out of the situation. I'm just going to turn my phone off for the night to get away from everything for a couple of hours. No notifications, no alarms, nothing.
Aug 11th 2025
VERY HEAVY ENTRY
SUICIDAL IDEATION
I don't really have anything else to say other than I think I've hit a new low of self-loathing. All I want to do is vanish lately and I'm not even sad about it. I just feel so hollow and empty and don't know how else to feel other than just wanting it to stop. I don't think I care how either. Admitting I feel this way is terrible but not saying anything is suffocating. All I can do is burden people with the weight of what I'm feeling and I have no way to resolve it. No solution.
