Aug 13th 2025

VERY HEAVY ENTRY
DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL IDEATION
I don't like leaving things unexplained so here is my entirely unowed but freely given explanation on the all-consuming depression and suicidal ideation I've been grappling with. All the entries past this point touch on it and I think I'll leave them up because it just feels right to. Pretending this wasn't a thing feels wrong somehow. Maybe it's entirely emotional, but I think I just need the catharsis.

It went on longer than I had let on because I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I've struggled with suicidal ideation since I'd been seven and have a history of even finding new ways to hurt myself over it. It's ugly and I've got a pretty nasty scar that will never fade right where I can see it at all times no matter if I wear long sleeves or short sleeves. I've always been like this and it makes me feel disgusting and ruined so I try so hard to hide it. I'm so afraid of anyone else being disappointed or disgusted by me, too.

It felt like I'd become something completely repulsive. I felt like all I could do is annoy, disgust, burden, disappoint, and drag down everyone around me. For two days, I had started planning things without even realizing it. I cleaned the house better than ever, started to put my personal Crystal Bearers archive into more organized folders to hand off to someone, started trying to figure out the best time to go about it for my husband's sake, and just gave up entirely.

I wish I could say this is some awe inspiring story of strength and resolve, but I honestly did just decide I didn't want to die. I want to live even if it's terrible because I am such a selfish person. Even if I annoy people, even if I'm awful and disgusting. I want to live even if I don't deserve to. That's why I sought out the phrase memento vivere. I know one day, no matter what I decide to do, I will die, but I also want to live.

Aug 12th 2025

There are few phrases I love more than memento vivere. Remember to live. It's gorgeous and reminds me of flowers sprouting from the cracks in the road. A breath of fresh air these days, too.

Aug 12th 2025

VERY HEAVY ENTRY
I cried pretty much all night and all day. I'm not even sure why, but I just keep crying. It is exhausting. Everyone seemed really happy and excited today but I can't keep up. I think I'm just going to give up and go to bed for the day. I don't want to talk to anyone even though they keep trying to include me in their fun because all I'll do is suck the joy out of the situation. I'm just going to turn my phone off for the night to get away from everything for a couple of hours. No notifications, no alarms, nothing.

Aug 11th 2025

VERY HEAVY ENTRY
SUICIDAL IDEATION
I don't really have anything else to say other than I think I've hit a new low of self-loathing. All I want to do is vanish lately and I'm not even sad about it. I just feel so hollow and empty and don't know how else to feel other than just wanting it to stop. I don't think I care how either. Admitting I feel this way is terrible but not saying anything is suffocating. All I can do is burden people with the weight of what I'm feeling and I have no way to resolve it. No solution.